My Life in the Land of Oz!

I often wonder why I behave and act the way I do? Is it genetics, environmental or a little of both? The answer still eludes me and as much as I try, I wish I could change some of my personality flaws and be a better person, friend, family member, etc. It's not as easy as it sounds----It takes a valiant effort to change! However, I had a chance to look a little deeper at myself the other day while watching the Wizard of Oz with my students at school.

As I was watching, I started thinking how I could relate to each character in the movie. The Tin Man in search of a heart, the Lion wanting courage, the Scarecrow needing a brain, Dorothy who is trying to get back home, and the Wicked Witch of the West who was miserable! They all had something I could identify with personally.

I could relate to he Tin Man in different ways. I felt "If I only had a heart" for some people I know or have known or just life in general. I wondered why I was so stubborn and could not be so forgiving of those whom I felt had wronged me or how my own self-serving attitude had pushed others away. Because of this I have lost out on relationships that could have been healthy and good for my own personal growth! I asked myself, "How do I find a heart?" I want a heart that looks at everyone and sees beauty, kindness, and has compassion for everyone and everything. That is especially hard for me when I get in a funk! I let things bother me and I can hold grudges. I do not like the feeling I feel inside and I have to make a conscience effort to be non-judgemental and forgiving. It just comes down to wanting to have peace with myself and others "all" of the time and not just when I am in a funk!

Then I thought some more----I have been like the Cowardly Lion. Many times I have been afraid to stand up for things I want, believe, and feel-- in fear of being offensive. I do not like conflict and will keep the peace as to avoid it. That is one personality flaw I dislike about myself. However, because of this cowardliness it all comes out in an volcanic explosion from bottling it up inside. I have to remember to have courage and stand up for myself, others, even when it is the hardest. I have had an experience the last few weeks when I have had to do this! I had to confront a colleague I work with because of something she said to my son that was out of line. She now will not speak or look at me. As a mother, I had to confront her but it was the hardest thing to do to confront another teacher who is a friend. It has been hard and it took a lot of courage. However, I have found I have gotten over it by having the courage and saying something!

Then, the Scarecrow was the one I identified with the most on a happy note. I love to learn and love school. I would pursue a higher degree of learning (Doctorate) but I have to many little kids at home. That is a dream someday I would like to achieve. Learning is a lifelong process and should never end no matter how old you are!

Finally, there is Dorothy----At the beginning she felt ignored and alone! Yes---I times I feel that way and wonder if I make my kids feel that same way too. Am I go busy to stop and answer their questions or just talk? Does work take priority over my kids? Sometimes it does as much as I hate to admit that! I have to stop when Kolby wants me to come and watch him jump on the tramp, or listen to Justin tell me who he likes at school. Those are the moments I am missing and sending a wrong signal to my kids. Do I want them to think it is better "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" or do I want them to think our home is the rainbow? Finally, Dorothy finds her way home after finding her way and herself. That is how I feel on my journey through life. I think I am much harder on myself than I should be! Yes, I would love to be the perfect mom, wife, friend, teacher, etc., but unless I look inward and change me I will never be happy!

(Sorry for this being so long!)